We moved Sarah to her final resting place this weekend. She is in a beautiful cemetery. Every time we’ve gone there I feel a sense of calm and peacefulness. She’s buried under a beautiful tree and I’m looking forward to having a place to visit and spend time reflecting on life. It was the closure I needed, I think. I didn’t get to see Sarah after she died so I needed this final step to starting moving on.
This closure has made me think about all the types of movement, both literally and figuratively that have happened in the past couple of months. I stopped writing because I moved into a dark place for awhile. At the end of August, we found out that that Roben, Devyn, and their dad were moving to Cedar Falls. We were completely caught off guard and as a family, we really struggled with feeling as though we were dealing with another loss. I found myself in a place of darkness and anger and really struggled to get myself out of that. September was a really dark month for me. I don’t want to talk much about the events, but the kids are doing well. We get to see them every other weekend. Roben really likes his new school and has even joined the wrestling team. We went to his first meet on Thursday night and he pinned his opponents on both of his matches! It was so exciting to see, but sad to think about how excited Sarah would have been to see that.
Devyn has started a morning preschool program and will be starting a new daycare soon as well. The social interaction will be so good for her. She talks about her mom a lot and she misses her so much. My dad took her and Roben to ledges last weekend and they were doing a climb. My dad told Devyn that they were going up high and she responded “Will I get to see my mom?” You can tell she’s trying to understand what happened, but it’s so hard. I think she does realize that she isn’t coming back, but it’s hard to explain to her. At the cemetery, when asked if she was ready to go, she responded, “No. Not ever, ever, ever.” I truly believe she still has a connection to Sarah.
I miss the kids so much, but the positive side of this is that I’ve had a chance to truly grieve the loss of Sarah. The first two months of her death were nonstop and I really didn’t have time to just sit and reflect on her life. I’ve gotten to do that these last two months. I’ve had downward movement and now I feel like things are starting to move back up. I went through a period where I missed her so much I could hardly stand it. Before this, it was more about her kids and the uncertainty of their future, it was more about my parents and being so worried about them. I knew I needed some time for me to process her death.
Jill and I have been spending more alone time with our parents. It’s one of those things that you wish wouldn’t have taken a death to make happen, but you’re grateful that it’s happening now. Before Sarah died, when we were with my parents, children were almost always around. Now, we’ve made an effort to spend time as just the four of us (I struggled to even type that…there are supposed to be five of us) and I think it’s been good for us all. We are in the moment with each other and I think it’s the place we’re most comfortable right now. At the beginning of October, we made a day trip to Galena. It was the first time the four of us had a truly good day. I think we all had moments of genuine happiness.
We made it through our first Halloween last week. Sarah, Roben, and Devyn did trick or treat with us every year. It was so hard not having them there. But the weather was beautiful and the kids had a great time. Penelope was a trick or treating pro and I think she would have gone all night! She even told a stranger that she loved her and she was handed candy! Devyn had a great time trick or treating in Cedar Falls and brought home a good haul!
As the end of the year and the holiday season draw near, I am filled with so many different emotions. Jill’s baby will be born soon. I am so excited to be an aunt again and can’t wait to snuggle that baby all the time. But I know Jill is dealing with so much sadness that Sarah won’t be there to meet our new niece or nephew. One of Sarah’s favorite things was being an aunt and she was a pretty great one. But I know she’ll be there watching over Jill and her baby (and so wishing she could shower that baby with gifts!) I think that beautiful little thing will be just what we all need to help us get through the holidays.
So yes, these past couple months have been filled with movement in all directions. It has been so hard, but I’m so grateful I have this family to move through life with. We laugh a lot, we cry sometimes, and there is so much love. I think about Sarah all the time. I still picture her with us and what she would be doing if she was here. I still get so overwhelmed with the realization that she’s gone. I would not say that I’m moving on (does one ever truly move on?), but I feel like I’m starting to move forward. I sill have so much to keep moving for.