It’s been one month. One month ago was the worst night of our lives. Most of the days since are a blur, except for that night. Am I going to remember every single detail of that night for the rest of my life? I was driving to Fareway when my dad called. His voice was shaking as he choked out the words, “Sarah’s been in an accident and is being life flighted to Methodist.” I drove to pick up Jill and we headed to Des Moines. We were sitting at the stoplight of Oralabor and 2nd Avenue when my phone rang. It was my dad calling again. My heart still races today when my dad’s name pops up on my phone. I made Jill answer…I wish I wouldn’t have done that. I knew instantly that Sarah had died. I can still hear Jill’s gut wrenching cries. After that phone call, it took us over two hours to get to Boone. Looking back, I realize that God was definitely in control of keeping Jill and I safe because we were not thinking straight. First we drove down to Methodist, thinking they would still bring Sarah there. I remember not wanting her to be alone. We found out she would be going straight to the medical examiner’s office and were told just to go to our parent’s house in Boone.
I remember pulling in their driveway and not wanting to go inside. I didn’t want to see my parents or Roben and Devyn. What was I going to say? How were they acting? What do any of us do now? It was a night full of tears and numbness. A night of Devyn asking about her mommy and none of us being able to find the words to tell her. A night of being scared to drive back to Polk City and get in an accident.
I feel like time started over when Sarah died. The timeline of events in my life are before and after her death. I’ve woken up every single day in this last month and my first thought is of Sarah. The last image I picture before I fall asleep is Sarah. My emotions are completely unpredictable. I mostly feel a void with very little emotion. I’m surprised at the amount of anger I feel each day. I’m angry at Sarah. I’m angry at people for getting back to “normal”. I’m angry at myself for not trying harder to help Sarah truly love herself. I also feel so scared. I’m scared about what’s going to happen with Roben and Devyn. I’m scared my parents won’t look at Jill and I the same ever again. I’m scared to lose somebody else I love.
How many more of these months will it be before I’m not spending most of my waking moments thinking about her? When will I figure out how to live this new life without Sarah? For some reason, I’m feeling very pulled to start this blog. Maybe it’s because I need to talk to people, but I don’t feel like going to sit in a room full of people dealing with the same thing. Maybe it’s to help somebody else who’s also struggling. Maybe it’s to give people a glimpse into what it’s like to deal with grief because I clearly had no clue until this happened. I guess time will tell what this blog becomes.