We’ve officially gotten through our first big “without Sarah” event when we spent the last week down at Table Rock Lake in Missouri. A few years ago we started taking a vacation in August with our whole family to Okoboji. This year, we decided to try a new lake, which turned out to be a good thing because I think it was a nice way to start creating new memories.
The trip went about how I expected it to. Our hearts were definitely not in it, but the kids were so excited to be there so that it helped us to have some fun too. We mentioned Sarah and the things she would have been doing and saying. She always packed double the amount of everybody else. She bought tons of stuff from the dollar store for the kids to enjoy on vacation. We would laugh because she undoubtedly would end up with the worst bedroom because it was just her and Devyn. She loved our vacations to the lake.
There were definitely times of sadness. When we would buy tickets for an event and realize that our family is now 14 instead of 15. When we were picking out bedrooms and realized we wouldn’t need one for Sarah. When we would be serving dinner and notice Devyn sitting without food and it was like a punch in the gut to think that her mom should be getting her plate of food. It just always felt like something was missing because there was. Sarah should have been there. I just can’t believe she will never again go on a family vacation with us.
People often ask how I am doing and I feel like I give the same response each time, “It just doesn’t seem real.” And I’ve started to wonder if it really ever seems real. I’m not sure the human brain can truly process the sheer gravity of never seeing somebody again for the rest of your life. It definitely hits me at times when I realize that I will never again see her in human form. And it’s at those times that I feel like I can’t breathe and it’s almost impossible to imagine forever without her. The rest of the time, I think survival mode kicks in and I just choose to not really think about. I don’t think it’s me being in denial, but it’s how I get through my days. The pain is indescribable when I think about the “Never Agains”. Those moments are usually fleeting, but unpredictable. Almost as often I also see all the good things that are happening. Devyn and my girls have turned into great friends and are closer than ever. Penelope absolutely idolizes Roben and asks for “bubby” on a daily basis. I get to spend time with Roben and Devyn most days during the week and I love it so much. This family is strong. This family is close. This family will come through this together. But this family will miss Sarah every day for the rest of our lives.
